When Your Progress isn't Good Enough

I have no idea what it’s like to have cancer. I’ve been really sick before but never the kind where you don’t get better eventually.

Currently I’m on day 1 of officially going back to college. When God first started whispering to me about going back to school this summer I was excited. I love school! I love buying an untouched, crisp paged agenda. I love fresh ink pens. I love getting a syllabus and being told exactly what’s expected from me.

But as soon as I had to start submitting videos and applying to the program I wanted to attend, fear crept in through the back door. The first time I applied to this program I was accepted and turned it down. The second time, I wanted to go, but they said no. This third time around I practically applied with my eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to deal with the fall out.

Working full time this fall, I easily ignored the train moving me back to university. I filled out the application, hit send and pretended it had all never happened. Whenever I thought about school, the hair on the back of my neck would raise and my heart would begin to race. My stomach flipped at the thought of getting back in a boat I’d jumped out of so many times.

If someone had interviewed me my junior year of high school, they would’ve never in a million years imagined my educational path would look like it has. I was an ambitious student with more than a little competitive edge. I was a nightmare in group projects because I was so worried about getting an A I had zero self-control in pushing my peers. But God is no respecter of persons and he knew what I needed. And what I needed was change.

God is the God of the upside-down kingdom. This sounds nice when we’re in the market for some redemption and life’s dealt us a crummy hand. But what about when life is nice and God asks us to do the flipping for him?

A lot of my efforts in high school and college feel wasted. It feels like there was no fruit to be seen, nothing accomplished from all the time and energy I gave them. I feel entitled to a blue ribbon hung on the door of my education. What’s funny is, I don’t think God cares about blue ribbons. If he did, Jesus probably would’ve hung with the Pharisees more often.

I imagine when you have cancer and you relapse after years of treatments and therapies, you feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel. Running and running with no ground covered. You try your best and then you’re asked to start all over again.

This past summer just as I was feeling the nudge to return to school, a friend told me about a mutual friend of ours who’d gotten a divorce. I couldn’t shake the shock. This girl had a life I’d admired, even at times idolized. She had a job I saw as a dream. She’d got to a great school and had an awesome husband! Or so I thought.

Reality came crashing down and any jealousy quickly swapped with sadness. I was so sad for my friend.

I wonder if she feels like the cancer’s come back. Like she had her diagnosis, cancer-free! Until she didn’t.

Maybe life is cancerous in ways we cannot avoid.

As I sat feeling frustrated and mad at God for asking me to go back to school and the university for being less than easy to navigate, I remembered. I’m not trying to arrive anywhere. My destination isn’t a status or a title or some perfect situation in life. My life is lovely. I live with people I trust and cherish. I am getting to learn about songwriting, something I think I’m at least a little good at. I have a job I adore working with people I would’ve never met otherwise.

Sure, things cost more than they should and people can drive me crazy, but wow. If life is a hamster wheel, and the cancer has returned, I would be remised to not be in awe of what a beautiful wheel I’m stuck on.